"We hadn’t said anything in awhile. I had just watched the road instead of watching her. I had been a jerk to her. I knew I was being a dick but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to hurt her back, like the way it hurt me to see her in pictures with other guys. I didn’t know if she was fucking around with me and dating other guys. I didn’t want to ask. It hurt me to watch her life go by without me, but it had to. I was no good for her. I couldn’t give her what she needed. I put the car into park as I waited for her to grab her things. Finally as I turned to say goodbye, I saw a tear run down her cheek. She quickly wiped it off. I stared at her speechless. I had seen her eyes water in the past but I had never seen her cry. I wonder if she saw it on my face.. saw the way my heart broke to know that I had hurt something so perfect and so beautiful. She said nothing, instead she opened the passenger door and got out of my car. I couldn’t find words so I just said “Wait..” and than she turned around, gripping the door. As tears came down her face she said, “Wait for what? For you to love me back? I have waited. I have waited what seems a life time. I’ve waited for you to take a fucking chance on me and trust this can work. I have given you everything possibly imaginable and you treat me like I mean nothing. I am done waiting”. And than she shut the door and walked away. I just sat there, watching her walk into the distance knowing I had just lost the girl I was in love with because I was scared. I was scared of the pressure to be that guy. I was scared I couldn’t give her the happy ending she wanted. I was scared I would fuck things up and end up fucking up her life. I had just lost the only girl I had ever felt this strongly for. As I realized that, non of those fears really seemed to matter. But I let her walk away."
Confession #4 - I have an eating disorder.. no one would ever guess that though because I am still chubby. I don’t look like your average anorexic person. But I think starving yourself counts as an issue.
"I gave up coffee and cigarettes. I hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet. I thought my problems would just dissipate and all my pain would be in yesterday. I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain and watched my bad habits get flushed away. I thought that that would keep my head on straight and all my pain would be in yesterday. But it’s true, I’m still blue. But I finally know what to do. I must quit, I must quit, you. I thought that if I didn’t go and play the sadness would get bored and go away. I thought that if I didn’t go astray that all my pain would be in yesterday."
coffee & cigarettes - michelle featherstone